New Moon: In and Out Style! *SPOILERS*

Dear Rob,

I just saw New Moon this past weekend. How do I explain what I thought about it? Hmmmm. Let me put this in terms you can relate to ....

I know many people (especially male movie and book critics) are not able to look past the light layer ... okay okay ... the THICK LAYER of cheese that coats the Twilight Saga to the meaty burger beneath:



I had high hopes that Chris Weitz would be able to scrape away the congealed orange Twilight goo, wipe it off on his matching orange pants (it would blend right in, no?) ...



... and get straight to the juicy beefcake of New Moon:



Oops! I meant ... right to the juicy beef of New Moon, the relationship between Edward and Bella:



I've got to say, I'm not a big fan of the Twilight cheese (maybe I'm lactose intolerant?) - the sparkling, the lion and lamb references and the melodrama. But when I get past all that, Stephenie Meyer is spot-on with the meaty emotions and issues associated with love, heartbreak, depression, teenage angst, fear, choice, restraint, protection, insecurity and personal growth. The underlying story resonates with me and a lot of other women as well.

Unfortunately, Twilight the movie, was a little heavy on the cheese and light on the protein. The humor between Bella and Edward, the tender touching gestures and the revelation of new love in the critical meadow scene were lost amid tinkling sound effects, butt-crack Santas, spider monkeys, swimsuit padding and red licorice.

Don't get me wrong - I watched Twilight numerous times. I bought and LOVED the soundtrack. I bought the DVD where I typically fast forward to my favorite E&B scenes (the restaurant and the prom scene) that were terrific, but the emotional build-up and therefore the believability of the central romantic relationship was missing. New Moon the movie inherited the legacy of an insecure bond between E&B from Twilight the movie. Twilight was lacking the extraordinary, supernatural E&B love developed slowly in the books - the kind of love that could withstand Edward's desire to devour Bella, his acute self-doubt and his general lack of spherical testicular matter:


Grow a pair, Edward! You have to be anatomically correct for Breaking Dawn, dammit!

Apart from this pre-existing handicap, did New Moon and Chris Weitz deliver the goods?

Where Twilight left me asking, "Where's the beef?" and feeling generally unsatisfied, New Moon delivered a substantive steak mansandwich that I could only consume at multiple sittings. Where Twilight was a skimpy single burger dripping with extra cheese, New Moon was a filling 4x4 beef-fest:



Oh yes, not all the cheese ended up adorning the lovely Chris Weitz's pants. Hanselward in his leiderhosen and Gretella in her drindl frolicking through the magical forest in search of candy and unicorns in Alice's vision just may have given me a mild case of indigestion:



Apart from that, Chris Weitz (I ♥ you, man!) and New Moon dazzled. So, to all the critics who panned New Moon I say: HOWZ ABOUT A LITTLE MORE CHEESE WITH THAT WHINE? The fans are the ones buying the tickets and determining the success of the movies. Look at the numbers - you are irrelevant. BITE ME!

The transitions between scenes were interesting; the movie flowed well. The color and tones were lovely. The visual storytelling was creative - the disappearing moon, passing of time and paintings brought to life. The chase/fight scenes and action sequences were wonderful! The emails to Alice were an excellent way to get into Bella's head. The wolves were AWESOME! The CGI was perfect.

Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Billy Burke, Mike Welch and Anna Kendrick were outstanding. Kristen Stewart was wonderful; the best acting I've seen from her so far. Taylor Lautner impressed me. I waffled to team Jacob by about 2/3 of the way through the movie. Unfortunately, the J&B relationship was crafted more believably in this movie than the E&B relationship was in the last one, which ended up hurting team Edward. Bella may have forgiven Edward for misplacing his manhood and running away, but I'm not sure I have yet. Perhaps if he got down on one knee in front of me in my Hefty bag gown and kissed my hand, I could maybe give him another shot. Just sayin'.

Which brings me to you, Rob. *cue shmexy slowmo Robward entrance*

What can I say? If I say you were wonderful in this movie, you won't believe me or respect me for saying so. If I lie and say you were terrible, you will agree with me and then resent me. So let me express myself this way - I want to live in a world where your movies and music exist. I look forward to Remember Me, Eclipse, Bel Ami, Unbound Captives and future songs and soundtracks.

Marry me ... Rob ...... *roll credits*
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Trash Talk

Dear Rob,

If all it takes to bring you to your knees is for a girl to dress up in a garbage bag, I'm totally there. And so are these girls:



Excuse me now while I go cut up a Hefty Cinch Sak (Tall) so I can create "an ironic and illusory exploration of the concept of re-invention" as per the designer of KStew's dress, Alexander McQueen. (Part of his collection is shown below. KStew's dress at bottom left):



Okay, okay, so I may not look as glam as gorgeous KStew in my recycled plastic biomass receptacle couture, but I'm pretty sure if I strapped two cans of Heineken to my head with plastic wrap you would stand up and take notice.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

A Werewolf Ate my Homework. And Other Good Excuses.

Dear Rob,

Did you wonder what happened to me - why I haven't been writing to you? Thought maybe I'd switched teams and gone all team werewolf? NAH! I have a good excuse. I'm dealing with some major things in my life right now so you've got to take a back seat for a while.

No, really. I mean it. TAKE A BACK SEAT!



Good boy! Now, PUCKER UP and TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay okay ... so that's not going to happen. To me. In this lifetime. I get that.

Anyhoo, because my so-called-life requires all my attention right now I won't be doing much blogging. Someday maybe our stars (or cars) will collide and you will stare deeply into my eyes and realize that I am THE ONE. Yes, THE ONE ... who writes poems about your armpit hair.

Take care, my sick masochistic lion.

Your stupid lamb, AJ
Baaaaaaaaaaaaa!
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Robpunzel, Robpunzel, let down your golden hair!

Dear Rob,

I felt the need from somewhere deep, deep in my heartburn to write you another poem about your body hair. See previous posts on your eyebrows here and your hair here.

---

Ode to Robert Pattinson's Armpit Hair
by AJ

The truth be told I'm kinda torn
twixt your Happy Trail and underarm porn

Of all your follicles - up top, down there ...
Whoda thunk I'd be partial to armpit hair?

Unlike the crown on top of your melon
This fur is not the best of smellin'

But I'll take the risk and put my nose
Where your B.O. ain't no English rose

Just a little help so I can have my fun -
Can you braid it so I can climb Mount Pattinson?

I'll rappel the cliffs of your chest of charm
to the Cave of Wonders in your underarm

---

That is all. Excuse me now while I take my meds.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Comic Con 2009: Full Scream Ahead

Dear Rob,

Watching Comic Con videos last year really clinched my Robsession. Silly, funny Comic Con Rob 2008 was pure win. It was so nice to see you joking and smiling again this year. Here are some good videos of the panel from this year's Comic Con:

*** WARNING: EXTREME SCREAM ALERT ***


Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

You must be getting used to the screaming because it didn't appear to faze you at all this year. I just wish you had stood up a couple of times and said this:



Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

OVEREXPOSED?

Dear Rob,

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? Can you eat too much ice cream? Can you overdose on chocolate? Can you have too much Robert Pattinson slathered in chocolate ice cream?

Every day there is a barrage of photos from the set of 'Remember Me'. I can't even look at them all. I stopped watching the videos - not because I'm afraid of spoilers, I've already read the script - but because it's just too much. I've reached my level of Rob-saturation.

I figure when when I've noticed that you are wearing Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes boxer-briefs that the photographs have become too personal, too invasive and too copious:





It's time to back away, read some good books, enjoy some family time, sing, dance, write a few suckadelic songs, swim in a glacier-fed lake, climb some mountains, connect with old friends and perhaps come back when a picture of you every few days is a treat to savor.

Enjoy your summer! I will pop in to check up on you online now and then and make a few blog posts ... and maybe even write an ode to your armpit hair.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Rob Pattinson for the win

Dear Rob,

Um ... new jacket?





Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Forbidden Fruit of the Loom

Dear Rob,

So, the answer to the oft-asked question, "What brand of magic trunks do you wear, Cedbert?" is boldly emblazoned on the top of the boxer-briefs sticking out above your criminally tight wizard robes. The brand is ...

*drum roll*

Hanes.

And because you were in Harry Potter and because real life is all about cyphers and clues and following treasure trails and hearing voices in my head (WHAT!?? like you don't?), I know that you wearing HANES is secret code for ..

Hey
AJ! I am crazy about you but I don't want you to know so I
Never read your blog. But in spite of that, someday I will look deeply into your one good
Eye and tell you that I'm madly in love with you 'cause I
Soooooo want you to have my half wizard half muggle babeez.

It all became very clear to me last night as I lowered my face over a bowl-like receptacle filled with liquid memories. No, not a pensieve ... a porcelain bowl-like receptacle. But, never mind about that now.

I will just take this as another sign that we are meant to be together. :)

Love, AJ

P.S. Please tell Moaning Myrtle to quit reminiscing about your magic wand. She's keeping the whole neighborhood up at night.
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Robert Pattinson: The fairy tale!

Dear Rob,

So let me get this straight. According to some journalists, you are gay, yet you have managed to impregnate your co-star Kristen Stewart before dumping her and taking up with Emilie de Ravin, who is still married, but in the process of getting a divorce because she, along with Nikki Reed and Megan Fox, is in love with you.

Seriously, are the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen writing these articles? Because they are as real as the The Emperor's New Clothes. So, given the climate of irresponsible journalism in just about anything written about you, I thought I should add a few fairy tales of my own:

Robert Pattinson attends Italian Convention

Robert Pattinson crashed a Little Red Riding Hood Convention held in Italy in May. "I was trying to get their attention. I even took off my shirt," Pattinson revealed to our imaginary friend unidentified on-set source, "but they didn't pay any attention to me. Except for this one girl who kept running across the piazza and jumping on me. It was bizahhh!"

Uh Rob, perhaps Little Red Riding Hood prefers big, bad wolves to big, bad vampires. But no matter, you have since turned your eye to other distractions in New York:

Robert Pattinson Wrestles with Cougars

As of yesterday, you are now carrying on a torrid love affair with Diane Sawyer, because we all know you are partial to cougars as indicated by the photographic evidence below:

And do you have your hand on Kim Basinger's ass in that last photo? Yes, you sooooo do. I'm quite sure of it. 'Cause you're just forward like that. And let's not forget the elderly escalator lady (codenamed EEL) who you managed to seduce and impregnate all while passing through the Vancouver airport a few months ago:

This is all being kept very hush hush by Summit who of course has the omnipotence to control people's lives like the evil puppet masters they are. In spite of the secrecy, a source close to EEL has revealed that she will name the soon-to-be demon she-child Eggbert (a combination of your name and the sandwich she had for lunch just before she was sparkled off her feet) and that this child will be born with the special ability to fuse rhinestones onto any article of clothing made from velour.

Oh! And let's not forget this:

Robert Pattinson Likes 'Em Young (and Restless)

You clearly have a secret crush on your 8 year old co-star (because you smiled at her) and are willing to wait until she grows up because you're not going to get married until you're 40 anyway, so if you ever want to have (legitimate) kids, you'll have to marry someone much, much younger.

And finally:

KStew has had it with Rob's cheatin' ways:


'Nuff said.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Gnu Mewn

Dear Rob,

Remember this?



And this?



Well, they've done it again:



Good huh? Oh! And enjoy "sacrificing Americans" today!

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Robert Pattinson: 40 year old virgin

Dear Rob,

So ... you have some interesting aunts who like to talk to the media. Here's a snippet from your aunt Monica Weller of Leatherhead, Surrey:

Monica says she’s heard stories of female fans throwing themselves at the Twilight star. “[Our family] was brought up not to give in to temptations like that,” she says. “He gets his strength of character from the family, it’s in his genes.” [Source]

And here's another quote from one of your other aunts, Diana Nutley of Richmond, Surrey:

“He’s only 23 and probably won’t get married until he’s 40, if he’s got any sense" [Source]

So if you're not giving into temptation and you don't get married until you're 40, that would make you ... a 40 year old virgin.

We're talking about the same guy, right aunties? THIS guy:



Hmmmm. Methinks there is a little piece of info you need to share with your aunties, RP.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

The Price of Fame

Dear Rob,

From all the blogs and fan encounters I've read over the past few weeks from people who have seen you, there's been a common theme about how crass, rude and despicable the paparazzi are. They shout insults at you to try to make you mad and get a reaction. They want to see you fly off the handle so they can capture every frame. No wonder people like Susan Boyle crack under the pressure. Crazy fans are a pain, but the paparazzi are moldy pond scum.

I couldn't help but think of all that as I saw this photograph. There's something about your lips in this picture - it's as if you are about ready to cry.



I'm sure the attention, fame and screaming adoration can be overwhelming. But I'm sure the constant click of automatic camera flashes and grown men shouting insults at you is even more distracting. And all this while you are just trying to do your job. I can't even imagine, but I tried to express it in this short poem:

---
Stolen privacy
Assault by telephoto lens
Victim of fame
---

Someone else captured it in this video:



Horace Greeley said, “Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character.” You have character, Rob. It's one of the reasons you're not just another pretty face, flash-in-the-pan teen idol. Please don't let all this get to you.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Nyaah, moooaah, woooah!

Dear Rob,

You know I find your singing to be a cut above almost everyone else I've heard. I'm astounded with the amount of feeling and emotion you can infuse into a song. How do you do that? Your secret is out thanks to your co-star Mike Welch:

Celebuzz: What advice did Rob give you for writing songs?

Mike: "He said the way that he does it which really freed him up to write some really interesting stuff is that he picks a chord or just starts playing a melody of some kind, sees how it makes him feel emotionally, and then just kinda starts singing – not lyrics – but just kinda the foundation of what the lyrics would be… which is why his songs have that very specific feel where he’s kinda like, ‘Nyaah, moooaah, woooah.’ You know what I mean? That’s how he writes the songs. He just sort of feels, you know, picks a chord, see how he feels emotionally, just starts singing in gibberish, and then writes the lyrics on top of that, and I think it’s a really interesting way of going about it. I’ve never heard of somebody doing it that way before. I thought it was cool.” [Source]

Whatever you're doing, it's working! Keep it up!



And hopefully, somebody will always publish the lyrics to your songs :)

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Robert Pattinson in NYC: Pecs in Checks

Dear Rob,

For all the jealous people who said your muscle definition was airbrushed, I say, "Take a gander at these photos, douchebaguettes!"




Your tempting torso is NOT.PAINTED.ON. Just one question, though, where is the ubiquitous plaid in these photos?

“We’re all looking for something to lift our spirits,” said Tommy Fazio, men’s fashion director at Bergdorf Goodman. “Plaid equals happiness. You see someone wearing a cheery plaid shirt, it brings a smile to your face.” [Source]

Color me happy! Here is an ode to plaid from the last three weeks in NYC. (I do so love being tangled up in plaid):





Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Bloody Beautiful

Dear Rob,

Thank goodness this is all makeup. How is it that you make even the most unattractive situations look appealing:




Hmmmm. Perhaps I spoke too soon. THIS. IS. NASTY:



Okay, now I must go cleanse my mind with pics of you being man-handled:



Ahhhh! Much better. GET IN THE CAR!

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Bend it like Gumby!

Dear Gumbert Gumbob Romby Gob Rob,

It looks like you are attracting some srsly fine cowgirlage in NYC:


Is it because of the ubiquitous I'm-a-lumberjack-and-I'm-okay plaidage? Is it because of the fact that you can chew gum and rake hair at the same time? Or is it because of .... your signature Gangsta Gumby crip footwork, my little New York steak manwich?


Or ... just maybe it's the fact that you are sporting some major JUNKage in yo green TRUNKage:


Display that bootay, Mr. Attinson-pay! But wait! What's this? It looks like Robler isn't the only one channeling his inner Gumby. Here's Gumbiel - he of the famous rainbow sweaterage:


And of course, the awkward, yet adorkable GumbArt, who sometimes needs a little helpage:


But what about the suave, debonair Edward Cullen? What would that look like - GumbyRob as Edward Cullen? It might just look a little something like this:

Hold on tight, smiler monkey!


Hello ... my name is Gumbward Cullen. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week.


Smiler Monkey: You're impossibly bendy. And stretchy. Your skin is... green, and rubbery. You never eat or drink anything. How long have you been green?
Gumbward: A while.
Smiler Monkey: I know what you are.
Gumbward: Say it. Out loud. Say it.
Smiler Monkey: GUMBY!

You ARE Gumby, here, here, and here dammit!

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Buffy Owns Edward Cullen!

Dear Rob,

Here's a little something that would never happen:



In real (and by real I mean fictional) life, Buffy would take one look at you and be dazzled by your Edward-sparklingness, just like the rest of us. She may be a vampire slayer, but first and foremost, she's female.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Dumbrella: EPIC FAIL!

Dear Rob,

I'm so sorry to hear that the UEEEEE (described in my last post) did not live up to the thousands of dollars in research and development spent to make it the top security device of all time. In fact, it failed to protect you from a taxi hell-bent on extinguishing your sparkle. Here is an eye witness report:

"I saw the taxi careening towards Rob in slow motion. Behind the wheel was the driver with a huge mis-shapen head, who seemed to be ... well ... green ... like a watermelon. He laughed diabolically as he drove straight at Rob. I just caught a glimpse of the two passengers in the back seat. They appeared to be two white cylindrical cotton-stuffed canvas bags wearing Raybans and carrying stacking chairs."

Those dastardly fiends! They found a sure-fire way to get past the indestructible combat-brolly. Surely 007 is not the only debonair and dashingly attractive Brit who has an arsenal of high tech gadgets to protect him. But wait, maybe I speak too soon. Your new top-notch security team has dazzled and intimidated all with their new-fangled defense weapons shown in these pics from yesterday. Yes, they have indeed acquired state-of-the-art ... wait for it ... pens:



Oh, yes - pens. I can truly sleep soundly now knowing you are in the hands of the best-of-the-best - men armed with pens attached to their shirts. Your bodyguards have indubitably been spending hours and hours on the shooting range practicing their ... penmanship. The next girl who attacks you will surely be sent home with a scathing, hand-written note complete with perfectly formed loops and curls.

And you never know, but they may have carried it one step further in an all-out blitz to protect you. They may even have ... plastic pocket protectors hidden in those shirt pockets. And perhaps even ... dare I say it ... calculators hidden in their pants pockets.

You are in good hands, RP. And I am, in all sincerity, really glad you are okay.

Love, AJ

P.S. I love you. You're rude.
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Under My Umbrella

Dear Rob,

I see Summit has reached deep, deep into their pockets to equip you with the most cutting-edge high-tech security money can buy - a black lightweight hand-held collapsible canopy cloaking device held by geriatric storm troopers with moobs:



But, hush now. We must talk in code so the enemy does not understand our highly complex communications. Oh yes, they are clever ones, (no not the StalkerSpice Girls) this top notch security team with their space-age gadgetry and genetically engineered (and possibly hormonally unbalanced) bodyguards.

The cloaking device aka umbrella ella ella eh eh eh (UEEEEE) has been meticulously designed to prevent you from dazzling screaming Twitart fanshee uber-wenches (STFU) with your sparkling man-glitter in daylight. Because when said STFUs see you in the twinkling flesh, they can't resist the uncontrollable urge to gyrate against you in hopes of rubbing the diamond dust embedded in your pasty white skin off onto themselves so they will be rich! Rich I tell you! *maniacal laughter*

Truefax, RP. And that's not all. Oh no. The security team shelled out for not just any ordinary UEEEEE (concidentally the same sound I made when I saw the STFUs in question). But one that has a sword embedded in the handle just like the one made popular by also-Brits, The Avengers:



The good news is when it is not being used to defend you against would-be attackers it can double as a Hot Pocket skewer when cooking over an open fire. Oh. And BTW, why not get a hot babe like the one in this pic to guard you? I just happen to have a black leather catsuit *wiggles eyebrows* hanging secretly in the back of the Internet where I could order it and have it delivered in 2-3 business days. But more on that in another post perhaps.

And it doesn't end there, my sparkly little friend. Oh no. The UEEEEE is one of those unbreakable fighting umbrellas, or combat-brollys. Marvel as Thomas Kurz ("the world’s foremost expert on flexibility training”) demonstrates the versatility of the device:



Did you marvel, RP? I know I surely did. I will sleep soundly tonight knowing your security can defend you against killer attack-chairs, diabolical oversized fruit and cylindrical cotton-stuffed canvas bags, all of which are running rampant through the streets of NYC.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Sticking it to the Twilight Saga!

Dear Rob,

If I could draw, it would be about you. But since I can't, here's some Twilight lurve from somebody who can:











Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

WOOHOO! I'm delusional!

Yeah hi. Remember me? Here is your previous response to my letters from last year.
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Nutjobs Invade NYC: Revisited!

Dear Rob,

These spice girls were kind of fun:


While these spice girls just leave a bad taste in the mouth:

L to R: Assault Spice, PippiLongstocking Spice, Stalker Spice, NUTmeg Spice

Remember, too much spice can make you wanna hurl.


Oh, I see you are already aware of that. Carry on!

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Nutjobs Invade NYC!

Dear Rob,

I'd like to address my comments to the girls complete psychos shown in this photo:


{Four reasons cousins should not marry.}

and in this video:



TWITARTS! YOU SUCK! And not in a good, vampire-kind-of-way. In a creepy, forgot-to-take-my-meds-kind-of-way.

You give RP fans, Twilight fans and women a bad name. The sign says it all:



STOP! Proceed to the nearest psychiatric facility and have those lobotomies that you are due, posthaste.

Sorry for the rant and the NUTjobz, RP.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Rob IS the devil!

Dear Rob,

Remember when Tina Fey called you "The Devil"? Well, whaddaya know! She was right. Here's proof:


And looky here, the perfect mate - a she-devil:



This explains a lot. No wonder I am powerless to resist.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Twilight Jeopardy!

Dear Rob,

I thought we'd do something a little different today. How about a game of pictorial Twilight Jeopardy? I'll give you the clue/answer in the form of a picture and you have to guess the question. The Category is:



Ready? Here's the answer for 100:




Question: What do Twilight fans do when they're supposed to be working?

-----------------------

Answer for 200:



Question: Why aren't Twilight fans happy with their boyfriends?

-----------------------

Answer for 300:



Question: What's the secret to Edward Cullen's bouffant? Is it mousse?

-----------------------

Answer for 400:



Question: How do vampires get those purple shadows under their eyes?

-----------------------

And finally, the answer for 500:



Question: What is Edward Cullen's favorite big, hard tool?

-----------------------

Thanks for playing, RP. You're no Ken Jennings, but



Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

I Want a New Job

Dear Rob,

I've decided it's time for a career change. Let me see ...

I'm not a middle-aged balding man, but I'm pretty sure I have what it takes to be a shirtless-sex-god-holder-upper:



I'm not 6'4", but I've taken dance lessons so this little around the back arm embrace / matching two-step would be a piece of cake for me:



And I'm pretty sure that university degree I spent >$50,000 on would qualify me to help you put on your shirt (and you could use a little help with the buttons):



There are so many possibilities. Why is it that all of them have something to do with you?

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

The Twilight Paper: We're on a Roll

Dear Rob,

I found this article and it went right along with my previous "The Twilight Paper" post about you - "What is it about Robert Pattinson?"

13 Reasons why smart girls love Robert Pattinson
...

Before we begin, it is important to note one thing about smart girls and Robert Pattinson. They know the difference between Robert Pattinson, the actor, and Edward Cullen, his character in Twilight.

Ok, with that caveat out of the way, let's begin:

1.) The first reason why is obvious. Smart girls aren't dumb when it comes to embracing tall, good looks; they just want to be sure there is something more behind what they see. In Pattinson's case, there is.

2.) Smart girls love talent. If a man can make them forget their troubles for awhile, or even better, enlighten them or carry them to a new place through a story or a song (both of which Mr. Pattinson can do), then he has their attention, admiration, and in some cases, a growing devotion. More than one talent? Double points. Robert Pattinson has double points. He is an actor, but he is also a talented musician and singer/songwriter.

3.) Humility scores big. It doesn't take an above-average intelligence to feel all warm and fuzzy when someone who is clearly more talented or better looking than the average person does not seem to know it (or show it, if he does)--and above all, does not take it for granted that you think he is above average in anything. Bravado doesn't cut it with the typical smart girl. She gets bored with it quicker than it takes the guy who is full of it to even realize he needs to get over himself. Pattinson is also not particularly sporty and gets teased by his co-stars when he gets hurt easily doing stunts. Many smart girls (at least, those who are not also student athletes) can relate to that.... [Read the rest at the source]

Yes! She nailed you! She hit the nail on the head. This is exactly why we ♥ you.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

What Women Want?

Dear Rob,

Look what your portrayal of Edward Cullen has done. It has started (some) men thinking about how they treat women:

As I left the theater I overheard women gushing over Edward, saying how much they longed to be courted, loved, protected, cherished and made to feel safe. They were turned on by the fact that Edward was a passionately restrained man.

Although he was more than 100 years old, Edward held to the old-fashioned ideas of courtship and love. Edward was also willing to reveal his inner self and secrets to Bella.

...

Fellow dudes out there who struggle understanding women, listen up. From what I learned from this movie and, more importantly, from the reactions of my wife, my daughters and the women at the movie: If you want to really “turn on” your gal, pull an Edward.

Court her. Love her. Respect her. Protect her. And she will be putty in your hands. And you will have a happy, healthy, respectful and content relationship that will last a lifetime. Those vampires really know how to treat a gal! [Source]

Perhaps it's time to take a step backwards to a time when men treated women with more respect. If only all men wanted to be like Edward Cullen (minus the stalking part, of course):



Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Reactions to New Moon Trailer

Dear Rob,

I'm excited for New Moon. But these fans are REALLY, REALLY, REALLY excited for New Moon:





Wow! Just ... wow! Now I get why you're so paranoid. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And last but not least, late night TV reaction (Jimmy Kimmel):



I knew we could 'count' on Chris Weitz to deliver the goods.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥

Up Close and Personal

Dear Rob,

I'm not sure it's lip insurance you need:



so much as a law which keeps these vultures out of your face:




Seriously, they should have to stay back at least 10 feet and this guy has his camera shoved right up your nose. As much as I like to see your beautiful mug, I can wait for public events to see shots of your nostril hairs.

I say the paps should have to go a few rounds with a pack of rabid tween fanshees as punishment. The high pitched screams alone would be enough to deafen them and getting conked on the head with pink cell phones and Hannah Montana lunch boxes would make them think twice about getting too close to you.

Rally your Twi-troops, RP. You have a massive army ready to defend you.

Love, AJ
♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥